a soft mind is one that is not already made up

all the problems of the world can perhaps be put down to one thing: force can (and invariably will) overpower energy in the short term

the human ego is stronger than god, again only in the short term

living systems are characterised not by organicity but by equilibrium

they should rightly collapse (implode, explode or just fall apart) but they don't because something mysterious (spirit, élan vital) is sustaining and maintaining the most delicate of balances

but all the time something unknowable was bending
the meadow grasses ever so slightly and we longed
for its gaze    for its footstep and whisper deep
in the piney wood    in the green distances of a planet
hidden between stars    a planet that is a fetishization
of water and stone    a world that’s a soft light and a slow
sleep    a world like an apparitional bee flying through
a hive    little ghost    little curtain call.

My teacher often said that he could only successfully teach Celts, by which he meant those with an instinctive feeling for spirit, with a little wildness and unpredictability.

He also said he could only teach poets, by which he meant those with an imagination (a feeling for energy) and with the ache to make that imagination a reality of some sort.

He also told me more than once that what held me back in Taiji (energy work) was my lack of a poetic imagination, basically an inability to feel energy, and since then my go-to reading matter has been poetry; and a little philosophy, which I read as poetry anyway.

the teacher refuses to pander to (your) ego

neither should you

each thought is an awayness

Students often complain that they can't feel energy. "I'm not sure if I felt it or imagined it," they'll often say. Well that's energy, neither here nor there. Always ambiguous, never visible, half in the world, half in the mind.

while we walk a dark pilgrimage

The sea-change we must suffer is the shift from external to internal. A paradigm shift if ever there was one. My teacher always insisted that the good student has a clear notion of the internal before they meet the teacher, otherwise they wouldn't have been drawn to each other.

the limitations and specificity of the intellect

for your taiji to be soft, light and fluid, self-image must crumble away

you must forget self and become one with the dao

take what comes (subdue ego)
make what comes (waken spirit)

confronting the demands of the awful, of the utterly new

We are attempting a downward move from head to belly. There's no getting around it, this is of and into humbleness. Not the stooping, bowing & scraping, grovelling humility of the victim, which isn't humble at all but weak and resentful, but the humility of one who has largely conquered fear and ignorance, and can therefore abandon themselves to the natural process. Like the fierce warrior who, at the drop of a hat, puts aside self and rushes headlong into battle – into death.

taiji: get your bum in
meditation: get your chin in

ignorance is dispelled by abandoning what you know

if you don't get your bum in then gravity cannot wash you clean

the same in seated meditation: if the mind seems excessively agitated then the chances are your head is a fraction too far forward – the spine is tilting or buckling

the soul-enveloping absence that is the inner life

historically the rational mind developed (amongst philosophers) as a tool for investigating the world as it is, free of the fears and prejudices of ego and superstition

it has become a travesty: a tool for justifying everything the ego wants

it shouldn't be a struggle but it is

you either feel it or you don't, whatever it is: energy, spirit, destiny, the call to arms, to prayer, to work – the insistence (rather than existence) of god

student: i need to get fit
teacher: then go running
student: but i hate running
teacher: then change your mind

my footsteps contain all the hard labour
                     of petals falling on lace

adhering to a sense of wonder

the mediocre student has the makings of a good student

just plagued by distractions, the most persistent being the contents of their own mind

Upset about something? Just sit, and in time it will fall away, and you will be able to smile about it. Talk it through instead and that smile will be more like a smirk of satisfaction.

the experienced half-decent teacher can usually trick the mediocre student into a deeper state of relaxation than they are used to

the trouble is, the trick will never work again

the philosopher must always be undoing her own work in the interests of truth

a resolute faith in this fundamentally truth-seeking enterprise

safety eradicates spirit from the equation

much of what passes for love is really only attachment

true love has no object, and ultimately no subject

there is something terribly levelling – lowest common denominator – about a group of people, unless lead by a teacher who inspires the members to reach beyond their best

we all need something or someone to look up to – to believe in

It took me a long time to see the difference between drama and dharma in my life.

We gaze out at the world from a position of self, and this gazing prepares us to spill into that world. And for most, this is life – the quotidian.

But in meditation we withdraw that outward gaze and direct it inward, effectively stanching leakage through self. This allows the spirit to reach out from the spine/back, like a pair of angel's wings, and embrace a much larger world of feeling and energy. The realm of compassion.

Both are important but the one we most need to practice is the one we usually neglect.

the teacher endlessly repeats himself in the vain hope the student may deign to listen not with their usual discriminating mind but with their heart

true softness and relaxation are not passive – they are vitally responsive and responsible – they have yielding spirit

Energy, my teacher would say, is rather like a mist, and like a mist it tends to obscure the visible. Our whole education aims to dispel the mist and study the solid things revealed. Energy is considered a distraction or an illusion – a hindering veil.

In taiji we struggle (relax) to allow and encourage energy back into the picture. Quieting the mind, imagining rather than thinking, and allowing things to possess at least two realities: themselves in themselves (selfhood), and themselves in context (love).

And sometimes the mist will settle and condense, become a liquid, and flow.

You who are virtuous still want to be paid! And now you are angry with me because I teach that there is no reward and paymaster? I do not even teach that virtue is its own reward.

meditation: resting with a passionate inwardness

learn not to assume but to listen

a practical philosophy of self-transformation

when we start taiji it is a clumsy body fumbling through the form

we then bring an attentive, careful mind to bear and the form refines into something balanced, elegant and graceful

but then there comes a point when the work shifts from head to heart and the elegance falls away to reveal a deeper clumsy fumbling

Beauty belongs to the unfolding of Being.

heartwork is inevitably (and probably necessarily) sad

we must cultivate an even cheerfulness to get through it

heartwork is the internal

the good student knows intuitively that the only way to approach the teaching and the teacher (as receptacle of the teaching rather than as person) is with a respect bordering on reverence

remember the pain and grief when a loved one dies

now imagine how you would feel if you could witness your own death – the death of the one you love most of all

a heart-wrenching sadness of this order accompanies loss of self

An even cheerfulness is the reward for a long, brave, diligent, subterranean seriousness for which, admittedly, not everyone is suited.

there must and will (if you practice) come a point when the work shifts from body and mind to heart

the internal is heartwork

anxiety indicates lack of faith

internal work dismantles the illusion of knowledge

Perhaps I know best why only humans laugh: they alone suffer so deeply that they had to invent laughter. The unhappy and melancholy animal is, as is only fair, the most cheerful.

hardness requires solidity
softness requires fluidity

this age of distraction

the internal is of the primæval well – the source and end of being and time

those who request private lessons are effectively demanding special attention – they haven't the foggiest about the humility required to approach the internal

our sordid turbid time

The Internal aspect of Taiji – its heart and soul – is developed through solo practice. The student struggling bravely with the difficulty – the impossibility – of the work. The teacher opens it up, shows the way and offers inspiration and encouragement, but it's you that does the work.

ken noland's targets i take as energetic portraits: an intense bullseye (dantien) widening into an extensive, often vaporous, outer ring containing head-mind

and this is the feeling when mind relaxes – it expands into a vast boundless space

the greatest karmic good fortune is to find great teaching, and the greatest karmic stupidity is not to heed it through personal practice

keto diet is a revelation – the benefits of fasting: weight loss, detoxification, clarity, lightness of spirit; without the downside: starvation

Language is a machine for making falsehoods.

guard against becoming set and solid

everything should melt – a becoming fluid – a yielding

practice should be an open space – a place where habits adjust and regulate themselves through that practice

worry is not assuaged by adjusting external conditions but by learning to control the thinking mind

true softness doesn't just listen, it allows itself to be transformed by what it hears

true softness is eminently agreeable

focus not with the brain-mind but with the body-mind

think of the taiji form as your little prayer for nature

relax the mind, leave the head behind and dwell in dantien, and the heart will naturally open

otherwise heart activity is largely wishful thinking

enter skewed

the monkey mind indicates pure narcissism: I am more interesting than you, its constant message

to live means to adopt the subversion of the moment

if you really loved the earth then you wouldn't pull up into the head all the time

you can guarantee that those parts of body/mind that civilised life has rendered redundant are necessary components for the activation and revitalisation of spirit

don't think: listen!

thinking is the death of everything except thinking

I dwell in a realm
that is not of men

Taiji is a method of self-transformation. Practice it and you will change. If not then you are clinging for dear life to the old, familiar you.

spirit hates symmetry

beginner's mind operates from faith – faith in the spirit of the event

the expert's mind has the knowledge and experience to avert an event of spirit

mind is multi-tiered and thinking occupies only a few adjacent tiers so it is always possible to rise above into spirit or sink beneath into energy

what matters is your active participation in loss

turning the waist generates uplifting joy – if you let it

zhĭguăn dăzuò   只管打坐   whole-hearted sitting

words belong to the world of objects / things

the world of energy is silent

the only reliable way to enter the world of energy is through inner silence and deep relaxation

objects blur and fade into the background and the space between begins to shimmer and throb

a thought is like a little cloud moving across the blue sky

religion is concerned with increasing and improving the spiritual content of the human universe

daoism has no interest in the human universe – only in natural process – and so is contemptuous of most human endeavour, which is not only unnatural (artificial) but aggressively against nature

discrete & inconspicuous

meditation teaches negative capability – the ability to thrive in a state of insecurity, uncertainty and doubt without anxiety

the more confident we become in our own safety and security the more flabby and slack (the wrong sort of relaxation)

instead develop a confidence in your spirit's ability to rise to any occasion

you fall in love with your heart
you fall out of love with your head

meditation: relax the mind and allow it to expand and fill the room – boundless

to sustain such a state and allow it to develop into process there must be balance – somewhere there must be the opposite

this is the dantien – a pebble in the lower belly that anchors the expanding relaxing mind

images of buddha have him seated in meditation with a subtle beatific smile – a perfect image of compassionate spirit

images of laozi are of a hunched grizzled old man, usually sitting on an ox, who looks like he'd bite your head off if you so much as looked at him – a perfect image of fiery spirit

as a student your only responsibility is to listen

if you do then you'll have no choice but to practice

what's disheartening about teaching is feeling the seeds falling on stoney ground

I have no concern for the welfare of others, and I have composed this solely to season my own mind.

What attracted me to my teacher's Taiji was its internal quality. It was so obviously not choreographed movement or callisthenics or even a martial art (heaven forbid!) but soft spiritual energy work – pure moving meditation. It was deep – a depth I couldn't begin to fathom but which drew me in and held me captive. And it gave me a standard by which to judge other Taiji, none of which has come close.

planted like a tree – rooting down, sprouting up

practice is personal

ego is a product of slave mentality

Whether we train the mind by using our breath, or using pain, or doing compassion exercises, every practice is about waking up and becoming conscious of a universal reality that transcends the contents of our individual minds.

We all possess a divine inner nature hidden beneath an ego. The work aims to reveal that divine nature by reducing the ego. All choices we make come from the ego so counter the work. This is why the work and everything it entails must be choiceless. We work because we obey the call to work, the call to prayer, and that call comes from our divine nature, which in turn is called by God. This is why Daoists say that inner nature and heaven-sent destiny are the same.

it's an extremely ordinary mind that rubbishes the world in order to feel superior – and this is exactly what an unsolicited opinion does

and then we go on from there

the good student doesn't just do lots of practice, they align their motivation with that of the teacher so that there can be connexion, resonance, transmission

The good of work is skill,
and of action, timing.

the good student enheartens the teacher and the world
the poor student disheartens the teacher and the world
the mediocre student leaves hearts neutral

given that enlightenment is only for the very few, a more modest aim is to simply become a better student

if you feel a desire to give an opinion then you haven't listened

it is not the teacher's job to tell you what's what – her job is to teach you techniques which if practised will allow you to find out for yourself

Nothing your intellect can do can help you do it.

it always amazes me that there are those that assume that because they say it is, it is, and because they say it isn't, it isn't

a clear case of mistaking the signifier for the signified

timing is everything

from a distance everyone is beautiful – then they open their mouths

When walking wear a flat-soled shoe with a wide toebox so that the toes can work as you move. Each toe should have a degree of independence from the others and should wriggle and writhe as though to escape or burrow through the sole. Then you won't be so much with thoughts in the head.

the creative adult is the kid who survived

This time of year here in Israel everything is lush and verdant, the rains are coming to an end, and in a couple of months everything will be parched. Of those I encounter whom I admire and envy the most are the Arab shepherds and goatherds who graze their flocks anywhere they find viable pasture, including the verges of main roads. They are always cheerful, gentle and attentive, and move with a slow grace akin to Taiji to pacify their charges.

we have bodies and spirits that yearn for natural process, for harmony with nature, with time and being, but minds that cannot help interfering, minds too anxious, agitated and selfish to abide peacefully in anything for long

the rational mind developed as a tool to understand the world objectively (egolessly) but has become the means by which we justify anything the ego wants

The three dantiens – head, heart and belly – are natural dwelling places for mind. When mind is in the head it thinks; when in the heart it feels and loves; and when in the belly it rests. Relax and pacify the mind and it will naturally sink into the lower dantien. So it may be more helpful to give oneself the instruction: Mind rests in dantien.

the joyful secret at the heart of things

Fear induces tension. If fear becomes chronic then so does the tension. Then the tension feels as though it's part of you, and you hold onto it for dear life, even when you have stopped being fearful. That tension is then passed on to your children who love you and therefore emulate you. This becomes a family curse, the origins of which are lost in time. We carry many things which hold us back and we have no clue as to their origins.

everything we say is fraught with the fear that we may not be believed

8 hours a day – not enough

don't let the demands of your daily life encroach into your practice time – something in life must remain sacred

Meditation is not melancholy, but gladsomeness in which everything is gladdened.

inner essential nature and heaven-sent destiny correspond

destiny is as much where we come from as where we're going

the most revolutionary act nowadays is quietening the mind

as soon as you think you are playing into the system, regardless of what you are thinking

only when the mind is calm and quiet can we see clearly

comfort, ease and convenience mitigate spirit and allow life to become a mere projection and reflection of an ego getting its own way

life loses its divine element

cleanse negative emotions while cultivating positive states as defined by the tradition: compassion, calmness, and joy

in my experience, people don't listen – they hear what they want to hear

truth is always a surprise: in its beauty, simplicity, aptness and shocking unexpectedness

the anxious mind lives in the head

the relaxed mind dwells in the dantien, rising to the heart when it becomes active (compassionate)

occasionally my teacher would split the taiji class into groups of three with one person doing a posture from the form and the other two offering constructive criticism

the point was that we are never the best judges of our own performance – one needs the external detached eye

I don't know how to organise thoughts. I don't know how to have thoughts.

without a real feeling for the humour of the natural process, progress will always be a struggle – a matter of force

let your practice come from humour and above all generate more humour otherwise it will be neither attractive nor soft

sān jué   三絕   three perfections