Terror

The whole idea of this weblog is that it gradually build up a picture of what it means to study, research and live, full-time, a great ancient lineage under a great master with whom I live (albeit in separate quarters). Such a situation is very rare nowadays, and is a great privilege and luxury (I must have done something right in a past life to deserve it), and I figure my experiences and thoughts may therefore be of interest to those studying the same or similar paths part-time with only occasional exposure to their teacher. The organic blog format is ideal since it allows me to jot down things as they come up, rather than having to somehow weave them all together into a unified finished article. I intended this to simply be a little inspiration to my students and comrades: through sharing to somehow put the work into the broader context of the teaching, highlighting areas where a modern mind can go astray. Very little of what I say comes from the place of ratiocination and any clumsiness or imprecision is the product of my irresolute, though gradually resolving, heart and my somewhat vain attempts to elucidate aspects of energy we have no adequate language for. There is no room or time for idle questions or argument. If that part of the mind surfaces then one has momentarily slipped out of the river of knowledge and it's time to get back in. The students I value and admire most, those like Ann and Ray, wear their fear and suffering on their sleeves yet still have the courage and conviction to put themselves in the way of the teaching, no matter the intense discomfort (terror) it induces. They know they have no choice. They also know that the only way forward is through belief, which, if you like, is the heart knowing rather than the head. When the teaching opens up before a good student they feel terror because the whole thing is impossible: to step into that would be madness, and yet they do, and because they do, because they find the courage despite their feelings, they receive the grace to continue. One must fear God to receive his grace. The fear or terror is simply a sincere response to openness. If you don't feel the fear then you're not open, not to the abyss the teaching presents anyway. With experience one grows to love the terror, after all it's the feedback one needs. It's the stimulus that kick-starts those aspects of your energy required to take the plunge. It's what makes you a warrior.